What makes a person attractive?

November 13, 2013 ~ danielseery

…an interview with Tom Stacey

Tom Stacey comes into my office. He is tall, awkward and I notice early on that he has a number of quirky mannerisms, like a habit of mumbling under his breath, bowing his head when he speaks and a way of continuously scrunching his eyes closed when uncomfortable. He takes hold of the chair opposite my desk and he drags it a couple of feet to the right before sitting. He immediately stands and pulls the chair the other way. He sits again, plays with the lever on the chair, adjusting the height. He then tells me that my desk is messy.

I look at my sheet of questions but I don’t read any. I just take a moment to compose myself. When I raise my head he is tapping a stack of books so the edges are neatly aligned.

You’ve spent a lot of time researching the whole idea of attractiveness, Tom. Could you tell me what makes a person attractive?

It’s a complicated business, ye know. It depends as much on the looker as on the person who is being looked at, the lookee. Is that what you’d call someone being looked at? A lookee? Wait, is lookee even a word?

I’m not sure.

I don’t know if I’ve ever heard it before but it sounds like something that should be a word, don’t you think.

Yeah, it would probably make a good word, Tom… Would you say that people are more attracted to a particular type of face?

Not really, I don’t think so. People are attracted to all different types of faces. Take your face. I’m sure there must be someone out there who is attracted to it.

What do you mean? What’s wrong with my face?

I don’t mean that there’s loads of things wrong with your face. I just mean that there’s a whole load of other things that come into play when considering why somebody is attracted to something or someone. Like , imagine you are into teddy bears. I don’t mean actually into teddy bears. Fond, that’s the word I should have used. Yes, imagine you are fond of teddy bears and you have two, one which is brand new with massive sparkly eyes and spotless fur and a bright button nose. And the other one is something that you got off your granda about thirty years ago and it’s all squashed and the fur is a bit haggard and the whole head is lob-sided. But instead of bringing the new teddy to bed with you every night you still want to bring the old one. It’s kind of like that.

So what you’re saying is that there is a lot more to attraction than just the visual aspect?

Tom looks past me for a time but when I turn around I can’t see anything out of place. The wall is a plain white apart from a small segment where the paint has peeled away. It takes me a moment to get his attention again.

Sorry, I was distracted.

By what?

Nothing. It doesn’t matter…sorry.

You were saying there is a lot more to attraction than just the visual aspect

Yeah, of course. But if you’re just talking about physical appearance then there are some stereotypical features that you’d associate with being attractive. Symmetry seems to be key there. If one side of your face folds neatly onto the other then that’s a good start. And cleanliness. Or at least the appearance of being clean. How you dress might even come into play.

And what about attraction in the modern world, is there any way to stand out when meeting someone in the online environment?

Oh no, I don’t like the whole business of online dating. I think that people treat those online dating agencies like buying a new jumper. They just flick through the pages until they see one that they like the look of.

That might work for some.

That’s true, but I’m telling you now that I’ve never bought any clothes from an online store that have fit me properly. Plus, there’s always this notion that there might be a better jumper on the page that you didn’t bother checking. And imagine you started to think about that when you’re on your date, munching on a glazed carrot, all the while wondering what the person on the next webpage might have been like to go out with. And then you start thinking about photo 233, the girl from Cabra that likes rollerblading and prefers men who don’t smoke. Not that I’m into rollerblading or anything like that, but you know what I mean. Because then you’re not going to be concentrating on the date. You’re going to be concentrating on what might have been, with a woman that you don’t know that much about, except maybe that she’s pretty good at taking pictures of herself with a camera phone.

You sound like you’ve been involved in dating websites before.

It was a dating agency.

And how did you get on?

I don’t want to talk about it.

It didn’t go well?

There was an incident.

What kind of incident?

I really don’t want to talk about it.

So, from your experience, would you say that all dating agencies are useless?

No, of course not. That’s like saying that trains should be banned, instead of advising people against headphone use.

Sorry? What?

Headphone related deaths and injuries have tripled in the last 10 years. And most of these involved trains. Sometimes it’s not about the train but it’s about the headphones.

So sometimes it’s not about the agency but about the individual?

That’s what I just said.

I know. I was just clearing it up.

Oh, I thought it was pretty clear in the first place.

Do you think there are outside influences which affect what you find attractive or is it an inbuilt thing?

I’m sure there are things that have been passed down through generations, signs that might indicate somebody who would make a good father or a good provider. But that doesn’t explain why some are attracted to meek, gentle partners or vain, selfish people. I think it’s more complicated and it can change during a lifetime.

I suppose experience could come into play, like there could be some twisted logic in thinking that a person might be attracted to someone who has similar attributes to a parent purely because they will associate security with this.

I’m not sure about parents. I didn’t really know my parents. They died when I was young.

Sorry to hear that Tom. Do you believe that might have some impact on you when it comes to selecting a partner?

It might, I guess. I’m not sure.
They died in a fire.

I stay quiet. Tom scrunches his eyes for a time.

Funny, people often say lost to a fire or lost to a tragedy. I don’t know if the word lost really sums up something like that. I mean, lost sounds more romantic or something. Well, maybe not romantic, probably more like it puts this image in my head of my parents roaming the streets, trying to find their way back. Funny that. Isn’t it?

Tom leans forward and begins to collect the pens that are scattered around my desk. He lines them up in a neat row.

Your nose is a bit crooked. And your skin is pretty wrinkled around the eyes.

Sorry?

You asked me earlier what I think is wrong with your face. That’s what’s wrong with it.

Did I ask that?

Yep.

Thanks.

And you’ve got blue eyes but there’s a big blob of brown in your right eye.

Grand.

And your right ear is a different shape to your left.

Yeah, I get the point…

Good.

Is there any advice that you have for people who are out fishing for a partner, Tom?

My advice is to use your brain. Be patient. And if you’re looking for a woman, leave the binoculars in the drawer. Oh, and one of the most important things is that it’s probably best not to go around randomly photographing women.
Unless they say that it’s okay of course…

Tom Stacey is the central character in the novel ‘A Model Partner’, due to be published by Liberties Press in spring 2014.

By the Beard of Zeus, I can’t believe my eyes!

October 22, 2013 ~ danielseery

It was difficult.
It took many hours of standing in an open field with a funny expression on my face but I can now set the record straight.
Despite popular belief, if the wind changes, your face will NOT stay like that.

Yes I’ve been at Tom Stacey’s notes again and I discovered that Tom has come across a number of myths whilst researching facial features. The other so-called myths are to do with the eyes. And I felt it was my duty to test out these myths to see if there is any truth in them.
So I did.
But before I start I’d just like to say that no eyes were harmed in the making of this blog piece…

…By the Beard of Zeus, I can’t believe my eyes!

Myth 1 – watching the television from a really close position will harm your eyes

This was easy enough to test out. I pulled a seat up to the television and watched five consecutive episodes of The Walking Dead. And yes, my eyes felt no different to when I watch telly from my normal position on the sofa. But I have to admit, I did feel a bit stupid resting the remote control on the side of the chair from such a short distance away. And for a time I couldn’t close my eyes without seeing rotting corpses. So I guess it isn’t harmful to the eyes but it may be harmful to the mind.

That being so, it seems that people are no strangers to harmful pursuits when it comes to the eyes and I’m not even talking about Mascara wand injuries here (which funnily enough are the most common injury caused by cosmetics). No, I’m referring to a trend which started in the Netherlands in 2002 where tiny pieces of metallic jewellery are inserted under the cornea of the eye. They are known as extraocular implants and some of the current shapes available are the star, euro-sign, four-leaf clover and music note. I’m hanging on until they release a coloured heart with a script running across it that says ‘MUM’.
What can I say, I’m a traditionalist at heart.

eye decoration

But if you don’t fancy an eyeball decoration, how about some eye shaving. For seven years, Liu Deyan has run an eye cleaning stand in Chengdu, China. The process takes about five minutes and it involves pulling the eyelid back and then shaving and scraping the surface of the eye with a sharp knife. Apparently it used to be a common practice in China but was abandoned due to cross infection.
Blimey!

Myth 2 – Wearing the wrong kind of eyeglasses can damage your eyes

I tested this myth out by wearing my father’s glasses for a couple of hours. True, I didn’t hurt my eyes but I did develop a cracking Michael Caine impression.

“You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off”

(Just to note, wearing the wrong eye-glasses can be damaging to people below the age of 8)

glasses

Glasses are one way to improve eyesight but for some, surgery is the only solution.
The earliest references to cataract surgery are found in Sanskrit manuscripts dating from the 5th century BC, which show that Susruta in India developed specialised instruments and performed the earliest eye surgery. In the Western world, bronze instruments that could have been used for cataract surgery, have been found in excavations in Babylonia, Greece and Egypt.

A different type of eye surgery is becoming popular in South Korea, the country with the highest per capita rate of plastic surgery in the world. It is a trend of eyelid surgery where women are having procedures to make their eyes “more Western”. Whether the growth of this trend is predominantly the result of influence, affluence or insecurity, it is too complicated to call. But the fact that it is common amongst a lot of young girls is pretty disturbing

Myth 3 – Computer screens are harmful to the eyes

There wasn’t really much testing here. I spend a ridiculous amount of time typing away in front of a computer screen. It doesn’t hurt the eyes but it can make them very tired. So, if you are really impressed by this blog piece it is okay to read it once a day but try not to read it too many times in a row.

Taking care of your eyes is very important. But wouldn’t it be nice to learn about eye-care and be entertained at the same time.
Well thanks to an ophthalmologist from Delaware it is now possible. Dr. Robert Abel published a murder mystery novel and included some not-so-subtle clues to proper eye care.

Dr Abel said he decided to use his passion for the written word to spread a message that should hit home with every physician, how to promote health to prevent maladies.
“My main purpose for writing this book is not just to be seen on TV and become famous, but it is a great way to inform people about eyes,” Dr. Abel said.

I’d like to add that like Dr. Abel, my main reason for writing ‘A Model Partner’ is not just to be seen on TV and become famous but it is also a great way to inform people about eccentric men who may have spent time in a horse-box and who may have followed women around with a camera and may have had some dealing with waxwork models of William Shatner. The world needs to know about these people…or this person…or emm…this fictional character.

Of course, I couldn’t talk about eyes and literature without mentioning the book I’m reading and thoroughly enjoying at the moment called ‘The Reluctant Cannibals’ by Ian Flitcroft, an eye surgeon at Temple Street Children’s Hospital. It is about a dining society and a bizarre cannibalistic experiment. It is a quirky, funny and truly original read. And so far I haven’t found any messages about eye care hidden in the text!

Myth 4 – Eating carrots will improve your eyesight

I decided to eat a bag of carrots to test this out and in the process I accidentally dispelled a different myth, the myth that if you continue to carry out the same task you will become better at said task. I say this because half way through the bag of carrots I somehow lost the ability to chew. For a time I cut the carrots up and tried to eat them with a bird-like throw-back of the head. But that didn’t work. Regardless, even after half a bag my eyesight didn’t improve. In saying that, I don’t think my results prove that eating carrots will have no effect on your eyesight. I think they just prove that I am not deficient in Vitamin A.

Aside from carrots, people may look to another way to improve sight in the future. The novel Cyborg by Martin Caidin, the book from which The Six Million Dollar Man is based, is where the idea of a bionic eye-glasses originated. And now it appears that it may become a reality as the first bionic eye for US market awaits approval from the FDA.

Second Sight’s Argus® II Retinal Prosthesis System or the bionic eye or more accurately, the artificial retina, will transform darkness into light using an electronic system in the eye and glasses which transmit a signal, helping the patient to see again. Over time the patient will learn to interpret electronic visual patterns thereby regaining some visual function.

Wearable Tech – Argus II

I’m not sure if a bionic eye would be much use to Tom Stacey in finding his ideal match.
But if, like Tom, you are on the hunt for a partner with the perfect eyes remember, it’s not all about looks so there are some key things you have to do after you find them…

The Girl With Many Eyes
by Tim Burton

One day in the park
I had quite a surprise.
I met a girl
who had many eyes.

She was really quite pretty
(and also quite shocking!)
and I noticed she had a mouth,
so we ended up talking.

Am I a Clown to You!

September 26, 2013 ~ danielseery

In a quest to find his perfect match, Tom Stacey, the main character in ‘A Model Partner’, asks –
‘What is the best way to tell if someone has a good sense of humour?’
Thinking about it, I suppose there are some things that might indicate someone who assumes they have a good sense of humour.
Wearing tee-shirts with slogans on them perhaps? Adorning a cardboard Burger King crown in public places? Or just being one of those people who say things like ‘everybody thinks I’m a gas laugh’ or ‘I’m completely mad’ when they encounter someone new.
I’ve no definitive way to prove that someone has a good sense of humour but Tom’s question does give me the opportunity to talk about comedy, veering towards the literary end of things of course.

So here it goes, a funny little piece about…emm…funny pieces…

Am I a Clown to you!

Sinéad -Doctor, doctor, it’s been seven hours and fifteen days since they took their love away.

Doctor – Girl, you better try to have fun no matter what you do.

Sinéad – You’re a fool.

Ah yes, Doctor Doctor jokes.
Tucked away in comics, infiltrating Christmas crackers.
We’ve all heard them and we’ve all groaned.
Maybe a part of us dies every time one is uttered. They have the power to annoy, maybe even to depress. It’s got to the stage now that it is their unfunny reputation which is keeping them around, in a way it is as if we are not laughing at the joke but are laughing at the notion of how terrible a joke can be.

This type of humour hasn’t been lost in the literary world. In a business where people often take themselves very seriously there’s bound to be a few people waiting to take the mick out of it. Take the English department in San Jose State University. Since 1982 it has sponsored a literary competition called the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. The rules are simple. Whoever comes up with the worst opening line to a novel wins. The competition was named after the author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton who penned the line ‘It was a dark and stormy night’, one which has been repeated and overused ever since, probably even imitated and altered in some ways.
‘It was a dim late evening with high winds and excessive rain’ doesn’t really have the same effect though.

The winners of the Bulwer-Lytton are varied, funny and a little bit off-the-wall, like this one from 2010:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss – a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil. — Molly Ringle, Seattle, WA

And this from 1997:

The moment he laid eyes on the lifeless body of the nude socialite sprawled across the bathroom floor, Detective Leary knew she had committed suicide by grasping the cap on the tamper-proof bottle, pushing down and twisting while she kept her thumb firmly pressed against the spot the arrow pointed to, until she hit the exact spot where the tab clicks into place, allowing her to remove the cap and swallow the entire contents of the bottle, thus ending her life. — Artie Kalemeris, Fairfax, VA

My favourite is probably this one from 1983:

The countdown had stalled at T minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably – the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. — Martha Simpson, Glastonbury, CT

But the San Jose State University is not alone in poking fun at the literary world. Ever since Bookseller magazine praised the book “Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice” in 1978, it offers a prize for the oddest title of the year. Some of the shortlisted from the 2013 competition are –

Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop and Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom by Reginald Bakeley

How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical & Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening/ by David Rees

Was Hitler Ill? by Henrik Eberle and Hans-Joachim Neumann

Writers like Marian Keyes and Roddy Doyle offset the serious themes of their books with truckloads of humour. Comedy can often come from the everyday traits of the characters. In a similar way to some stand-up comedians who use human foibles to make us laugh, the ones that cause you to sit up on your sofa and point at the screen and say ‘It’s so true’ over and over again. Whereas the humour with the likes of Terry Pratchett comes from giving traditionally inhuman characters mundane human characteristics. In a complex world of vampires and golems, dwarfs and witches you might have two characters on one hand arguing over the price of cabbage while on the other coming out with some cracking lines…

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for the day. But set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life. (Terry Pratchett – Jingo)

Mr Pratchett is one of those people with the envious disposition of being intelligent but not taking himself too serious as this picture of him shows, taken at a signing event.

In Joseph Heller’s Catch 22, humour is continuously weaved through the dialogue. To capture the world through such absurdity is a real skill. But it is the truth in the absurd that makes it clever and enlightening and in the end, funny…

‘Why are they going to disappear him?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t even good grammar.’

Or the line from the book that was paraphrased by Kurt Cobain…

‘Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you’

In an interview with the Guardian the gifted Anne Enright was asked if she had to work at getting the balance right between serious issues and humour and she responded by saying –

I work at the sentences. Many of the things people find distinctive about my writing, I think of as natural. In fact, you’d have to point a finger and say, “Why has that writer not got a sense of humour?” Why are we not amazed by these humourless books? What are they trying to do by eliminating the natural sap that rises, the natural pleasure that we get, particularly if we’re dealing with words?”

And there is a great deal of truth in this.
People are funny – the things they say, the way they act, how they think. It’s one of our finest traits. It makes us want to be around each other.
If possible, writers should try to take advantage of this and use it in their work.
But my one piece of advice, try not to squeeze too many Knock-Knock jokes into your novel.

I Wanna Nose What Love is!

September 11, 2013 ~ danielseery

My book ‘A Model Partner’ is due to be released in spring 2014. The plot follows Tom Stacey, a lonely and eccentric individual who is trying to recapture the happiest time in his life, a time when he met his first love while living in a horse-box with his grandfather.

Part of the book is focussed on Tom’s efforts to understand the physical traits and personality which would be needed to make up an ideal partner. Of course, being an obsessive kind of character, Tom doesn’t take the task lightly and he begins some unorthodox ways of figuring them out.

Some of Tom’s research is based on the individual features of the face. So I thought it would be good to take a few of Tom’s notes, tie in a literary theme, add a nice little title and ponder a question that has haunted people since the dawn of mankind –

What does your snoz say about you?

So read on and be astounded, amazed or perhaps ever so slightly interested…

I Wanna Nose What Love Is

Picture this, ancient Greece, marble columns, stone temples, a bearded man running around shouting ‘Eureka Eureka’ and you have a job interview in the local public baths.

You potter into a sauna-type area, anxiously clutching a parchment with all you CV details on it. An interviewer sweats on a stone seat. He frowns when he spots you, grabs your parchment and throws it into his wicker bin in the corner.

‘Get out of here you useless git,’ he shouts. ‘And don’t ever let me see that nose around here again.’
‘For multiple Gods sake,’ you say. ‘What in Hades name am I going to do now?’

Unfortunately there is little you can do.
Your nose has let you down.
You see, in many cultures in ancient times it was believed that a person’s features directly portrayed their personality and as noses are at the forefront of the face they were of particular importance. The ancient Greeks even had a healing system based around facial diagnostics. They thought that any ailments within the body could be expressed through the face. This is known as physiognomy. (Not to be confused with fizzyogamy which is where bubbles in fizzy lemonade will only marry once in a lifetime)

There were many different nose types and many different traits assigned to them by the Greeks. But the question is, would a person’s nose be a useful tool in figuring out their personality?

Hawk/ Eagle Nose

A long, eagle’s beak type nose indicated philosophical tendencies and was a sign of someone who followed their own path, in a figurative sense of course because in ancient Greece there weren’t as many paths as there are now.

Mary Shelley had this nose type. True, she did have philosophical ways and these certainly come through in her work but then again, perhaps this was less about the nose and more to do with having to cope with a tough life – her mother died when she was eleven, she had an affair with a married man and fell pregnant in her late teens. And, sadly, she would lose this child and the wife of the man she had an affair with would commit suicide. She would lose two more children before the birth of her son Percy. Shortly after, her husband would die when his boat sank in a storm.

Pointed Nose

A pointed prominent nose falls into the choleric or fire bracket which indicates being emotionally volatile or high-strung. (Be warned)

A Greek Nose

People who have this nose type were considered to be intelligent, skilled and well in control.

A Button Nose

A short and compressed nose falls into the Sanguine (Air) category and this is an indication of a balanced personality. Harper Lee falls under this heading. She was a very good friend of the flamboyant Truman Capote. I’d say you’d need to be a bit balanced for that.

Broad Nose

A broad solid nose falls into the Melancholic or Earth heading and no surprises to find that it indicates a grounded individual.

Aquiline Nose/ Roman Nose

People with a Roman type nose shape were said to be great leaders. They do not do things impulsively and are great at influencing others.

Oscar Wilde certainly influenced a lot of people. If his own feelings are mirrored through the actions of his fictional characters he might not have believed himself to be a leader though, case in point, when Cecil Graham (Lady Windermere’s Fan) states:

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong

I don’t know about you but for me there’s a whole load of truth in this.

The Celestial/ Upturned Nose

The upturned nose is often thought of to be one of the most attractive of all noses. Optimism is one of the traits associated with this nose type. But in general I find that attractive people tend to be more optimistic than less attractive people. Except, strangely, when it comes to the purchase of scratch cards.

Bulbous Nose

The ancient Greeks would have seen a bulbous nose in a negative way, the unbalancing of the face offering the notion of many darker physical and mental health issues. W.C. Fields was famous for his bulbous nose. But he was known to be a sound family man. Well, apart from his tendency to hide in the bushes of his home and fire pellets at nosey people who appeared uninvited on his property. But hey, we all have our faults, W.C. shooting his pellets, Ian Fleming and his womanising, Hunter S. Thomson and his substance abuse. I myself have been known to blatantly bypass the crumbled custard creams at the top of the packet and take the undamaged ones underneath.
I know, I know, I’m a terrible man!

For most, we don’t have a single, defined nose type. We are the mixed type, a little bit of bulbous and a whole lot of point. Or a big bit of Greek but pointing in the wrong direction. In other words, most of us own a ‘mongrel nose’.

But if you’re thinking to yourself, ‘Hey, all this stuff about noses is so complicated that I’d rather people didn’t have noses so I never have to read anything about noses ever again’ then you are probably someone who puts little thought into what they say but you should also be warned. In olden times nose amputation was a common punishment for certain crimes.
Even in England, around the 16th Century, anyone who wrote or spoke ill of the king might have been condemned to amputation of the nose or ears. Daniel Defoe , author of Robinson Crusoe, only managed to avoid nose amputation at the very last moment, a punishment given to him because of pamphlets he produced against the King
Judging by his image, it would have been a waste of a terribly very fine nose.